Mafia Gazette Past Issue 85
The Mafia Gazette Issue 85 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Tuesday 28th March 'HOFFA’S HITLIST HICCUP ' Jimmy Hoffa’s now well-known hit list was recently a subject of debate on the street with a known Conceptualist, ThePlague bringing his concerns to the streets over how the Hit list is being used and how information is treated. A mail between Hoffa and Plague was published in a poster to illustrate these concerns. In the mail, Plague produced a mail, which we know from his statement was faked, implying that sossa, an unassuming member of the community, was in fact a Concept spy. Hoffa appeared to be happy enough to pay out the fifty thousand dollar reward for the information without checking anything, paying the money into the account of Prince Rupert, another Conceptualist. Both Plague and Rupert were carrying their Conceptualist badges on them, and had them displayed for anyone who chose to look. Given that Hoffa’s list appears to be targeting the Concepts, this very act of paying them for false information would seem to imply that Hoffa is desperate. He did not check the facts of the information, nor the identity of the informant or his banker, he merely accepted the information and paid out the cash. Sossa was found dead shortly after the conversation took place, and there is some speculation over whether this was a direct result of the information being passed to Hoffa. This brings serious doubt to the integrity of the list itself, as there are citizens named, as well as HeavyweightHammer, Boss of The Damned family, possibly condemned to his paltry two million price tag for dropping his ASDA connections following the murder of one of his family by Gismondo. Another two million was reported to be on the head of Angel_Islington of Las Vegas, and we can only begin to guess why her name has appeared given her lack of connections with the Concepts. Jimmy Hoffa has so far declined to answer the allegations in the streets concerning the integrity of his list or the methods of information gathering he employs. It is suspected that the embarrassment of having his mistake so publicly aired has kept him from making a statement. 'A FINAL WHISPER ' By: Gazette Reporter For the last five months The Conceptualists have cause unrest throughout the mafia world, not allowing any family of any level to sit back and allow its members to act in an unruly nature or conduct any of their business within the city of New York. When the Conceptualists started out they had a simple goal, to remove those whom they deemed unfit to lead through any means necessary, they drew up a list and worked through it systematically and without remorse or worry of how the deaths they brought would affect the community. Today the Conceptualists have announced their retirement bringing an end to the reign that many consider to be the most successful ever of any of the underground movements. Shortly before his death Mr Oswald said, ‘I feel this is the right time to go. Over the last five months we have had numerous made men, we’ve taken out countless made men and we’ve kept New York a safe place for those who we permitted to visit. Despite the initial resentment directed at us many people ended up holding us in high regard because whether or not they liked what we were doing, we did it our way and succeeded in our goals. The one thing we held in the highest regard was honesty; we never once tried to hide what we set out to do. I feel that if we’d stuck around any longer we’d simply fall into the trap that so many others have fallen into. We’d have simply faded away and looked weak as we left. As it stands I feel we’ve gone out on a high with only made men who we had respect for being left in place.’ Shortly after this announcement the members of The Conceptualists proceeded to take their own lives and allow god to be their judge as they left this world, an unconfirmed rumour claims that Bill Bathtub chose to die by choking himself with the very handkerchief his ancestor had taken from Kiss_This’s cold dead hands a few short months ago while Prince Rupert buried himself along side his beloved Jimmeh and lay next to him waiting for death. It is this reporter’s opinion that whether you loved them or loathed them you cant argue with their results and with their exit the mafia world will without doubt change 'PROFESSIONAL HITLIST IN OPERATION ' By: Theyesman It seems that there is a business starting up to help those in need. This business offers people the service of providing a hit. There is an excellent team of registered hitmen on offer, who will end the life of those whom you have a feud with. Being a hit, it is kept anonymous between the employer and client, thus creating an ambiguity of the hit. There is only a small price to pay at being “10% of the hit, to be added on top of the contract. Example, you place a hit for $1,000,000, you will pay $1,100,000”. If the hitter unfortunately dies attempting the hit, a 25% non-refundable deposit is paid, to be given to the hitter’s family. For those people who wish to become a hitter, there is the benefit of a life-insurance policy. This is that if you do die, the money isn’t lost, but is transferred to your family. However to become a hitter there is a fee of $50,000, which gives new hitters the right to buy contracts. In order to keep up the client confidentiality, the hitter will not know who they are, only the target. This appears to be a good idea that will solve people’s problems, and is done in a more professional manner than in previous times. 'THE DEATH OF SHI-TZU-POWOW ' By: lie-me Much has gone on and been discussed of late. Much of it surrounding ASDA, my adopted crew with whom I and all my decedents shall forever be loyal. Shi-Tzu-Powow was the first person anyone of my family line has killed in cold blood. That act of murder brings no pleasure to my line, it was a sad act that was the result of continued provocation. In the past weeks ASDA members have been called cowards for retiring and have been accused of being no more than an pious crew of halfwits who are so stuck on being 'nice' that they amount to achieving nothing. Well you asked for action, you got it, and now those same voices who asked for action are upset. Make your minds up people! Fed up with having boss's hunted by thugs who use every possible dirty trick they can invent and once strong allies turn their backs on ASDA, limey decided to return the compliments of the past and give of the same medicine that had been dealt to ASDA many times before. On hearing the news of his death, Shi-Tzu-Powow's son immediately sent limey a message. It was obvious that the once pleasurable lines of communication his and my family once shared were forever closed. This saddens me, but given the circumstances is hardly a surprise. The message called limey a backstabber, limey would never stab anyone whom he knew could be trusted. When you have the capacity to be a strong friend but instead turn your back and add to the hostile voices you present a very good target. My family line would much rather be remembered for being constant and loyal ASDA members with the occasional notable generation acting as an ASDA leader. Instead, this act of murder has probably brought infamy and hatred. With this in mind my line shall continue to act against those who turned their back on ASDA at a time when true friendship should have shown its colours until such a time as retribution is seen to be complete. 'NEWS IN BRIEF ' News Comment By: Kung_Capone 5 LUCKY TICKETS WIN 530 K As we all know good ol' Randle won Mafioso of the year. But 5 lucky betters are just as happy! They each won 530,000 dollars out of a pot of $2,650,000. The winners plan to aimlessly spend their winnings on clothes, home appliances, and stocks. I would rather spend it on drugs, hookers, and vodka! I’m just kidding, the best idea would be to buy a car. Not just any car! A nice big T model! Well, enough of my rambling, on to more news. ASDA RECRUITING As the ASDA thins out, the first ever Amish Gangster announced an ASDA recruitment drive. He has set up a new HQ and is accepting members on these crew rules. 1) Do you spell words properly and always argue coherently? 2) Do you have good personal hygiene? 3) Can you kill hundreds of innocent people then own up and take responsibility and admit your part of a family of random killers? If you have answered yes to any of the above then I’m afraid I cant take you. After this funny note, he got serious and asked for applications. LA LOCKDOWN Yes, another pointless lockdown is happening. In LA a man named click has made a "violence free LA lockdown." He is willing to pay a rather bulky sum of 5 dollars to anyone who leaves LA. This humours lockdown has been rather effective, and he is pleased. I think its rather retarded, but I’m not against it! People offered to but LA from him for hideous sums, and he sold it for the incredible amount of 17 dollars. 'MR MAFIA CONTEST ' By: Mad--Dog MR. MAFIA ROUND FOUR The excitement of the Mr. Mafia contest overwhelms me. No matter how hard I try I can not give the edge to any of the contestants and the judges aren’t talking. I thought they were just being secretive but maybe they can’t decide either. Only two rounds left before they have to go public with the results. This reporter can’t wait. Today we will meet the rest of the contestants. Their personalities range from naughty to nice. The first is Salvatore. He says he is tall good looking and thirty-three years old. He never kicks dogs. His favourite food is oysters and he would rather wear shoes than plimsolls. His favourite position is doggie. (like I needed to hear that) His favourite colour is blue (to match his eyes)and he is better with numbers than spelling. (You’d know that yourselves if you saw the mm he sent me) He has a black belt in Ju-Jitsu but would rather carry a gun to make life easier. He can’t stand people that talk a lot and say nothing. His views on the competition, “All the other guys are nice but nice guys come last. This is not a feel good movie where geeks prosper, it’s a competition of men.” Mr. Dinardo was probably the most gracious with his comments: There are a lot of contestants that are going to prove worthy opponents, Mr Albert Neri, I have recently done a piece of work for the paper on him, and he is a extremely intelligent man as well as being a genuinely nice bloke. Puck, He knows a lot of people, and is funny and a man I respect in this community, for his wit, but also for his want to progress as well. Vincenzo-Terranova, A friend of mine who I will always find it hard to compete with because he has the same frame of mind as me about so many issues and is also another intelligent man. All the nominees, are very worthy opposition, obviously I feel some will have more effect over the judges than others, but all I can do is wait and see how it turns out, I’m just gonna give it my best shot. And now our last contestant that agreed to be interviewed, Mr. Oswald: He was downright scary. It astounded me that he’d have the audacity to threaten other competitors. In the interest of free press and only that I give you his comments. “Well I’d like to say I am up against some very high quality opposition, some higher than others. How that scumbag Puck got nominated I’ll never know. As for my bio, I’m certainly a newer member of the community (unlike) a lot of my competition, but I think this will help me more than hinder me, I mean c'mon who isn’t tired of hearing about Miguel and Randle by now. Other key points to note about me are I get things done with ruthless efficiency and there is a lot more going on behind the scenes than what meets the eye. Oh and apparently I look very good on the dance floor. I wish all my fellow competitors luck but warn them now if they are beating me they might want to start taking swimming lessons. Ms IsabellaRosselini, was our Masters of ceremonies for the night. Her interest was Style. I mean if you are going to be bad you might want to look good doing it. Miguel explained what inspired his sense of style: My sense of style? Well, I would have to go WAY back into the archives for this one. My ancestors always had their own flair, but admittedly, there were two driving factors that helped mould the Miguel bloodline, even before the Tanzini Family was born. First, and foremost, the great, late Michael: I cannot say enough about that man: A true model for any young Mafioso. The second is also a name known only to the older families: sims. My great, great, great…grandfather noticed him in the old country (M1) and brought him up as his Consigliere. Soon after, they would feed off each other for style, amongst other things (none sexual, I assure you). If anyone knows style it is Miguel. I’d say his only rival is TieDomiII who says his inspiration came from multiple sources. “One person alone did not inspire my sense of style. My cape, crown, and sceptre is inspired by kings/monarchs. I’ve always wanted power (or at least the illusion of it), and because of my drive for power I’ve always been fascinated with royalty. Not the royalty of today that has no real power at all, but the royalty of old, when kings were kings and loyal subjects were loyal subjects. I find myself fantasizing quite often about having loyal minions follow my every command. *opens his cape to reveal a T-Shirt that reads "Hail to the King". As for my shirt, a man by the name of Bruce Campbell inspired me to wear it. Going with the whole king angle, I figured I might as well throw a little arrogance in as well. I'm normally so modest...*winks*...so I figured I'd be a little arrogant for a change! Vincenzo-Terranova says the secret for looking good on a big night is showing up late. Personally I was a little sceptical but when he explained it, it made lots of sense. He said, “purely and simply, the best way to look good on a big night… It’s to turn up late. Think about it, it makes perfect sense, once you get there everyone has had a drink or two. They’re all a little more relaxed and all and all been around each other for a bit. By the time you arrive you’re new, your outfit’s different, it’s the only one the others haven’t seen yet so immediately, you’re the talk of the table. *makes a mental note to try this* RZA thinks the secret to a good night is paying attention to details. He explains his routine. “My secrets for a big night out would have to be taking time to get ready, I usual start about 3 p.m., making sure I’ve everything ready for the night a head, then showering, shaving, moisturizing. Then it’s on with the clothes while having a few drinks. Then last think I do is my hair, and then it’s off to paint the town multi coloured” If the Don wanted to see simplified-complexity what would he wear? Mr. complexity bluntly replied “The Don wants to see me? Then I will wear whatever the hell the Don wants me to wear, just the same as I will jump around while making chicken noises if that’s what he wants from me” Randle-McMurphy on the other hand thinks that your dress should be well thought out. “You don’t want to over do it with your Don. Remember, he’s seen the flashy idiots before, and he probably doesn’t like them. I’d dress smart, but the last thing you want to do is look better than the Don. Wear one of your nice suits, but not your best. Put on a good shirt, but no tie: leave your top button undone, and maybe your shirt untucked. You could’ve been in bed all day, but this gives the impression you’ve been hard at work, but are still trying to look your best. Make damned sure you’ve got a good pen, a handkerchief, and a money clip full of cash, because they’re the most likely things you need. A nice pen always makes a good impression, and screams style and professionalism. A handkerchief, well, last thing you want is to sneeze on the Don, right? And a money clip, because if you go out for a coffee, you’re sure as hell picking up the tab for him, or at least offering, three or four times minimum” Virgil opined that the perfect accessory that no Mafioso should be without is “the wrist watch. Any schlub can get his shoes shined on every street corner and hats just squash your hair down. For me, a good quality slim and simple wrist watch speaks volumes about a man. After all, how is the boss going to take you seriously if you are late for appointments all the time? The shiniest shoes in the world ain’t going to make sure you don’t miss the train are they? The most to die for hat in the world ain’t going to save your bacon if you keep a lady waiting on a date is it?” Albert-Neri agreed. “I do believe no Mafioso should be found without a Shoulder-Holster complete with a pistol. For me, it is a definite essential…However, this not being allowed, I would go with two other accessories that I would deem essential. The first is a Watch.” He lifted his arm so that his Gold Watch could be seen gleaming in the spotlight. Then he continued, “This watch was a gift from my colleagues on the force. Normally you are given a cheap one when you retire…My retirement being taken from me…. Some of the guys felt badly about letting me go out like that…they clubbed together and bought me this cheap and unassuming watch. For me personally…it is the one thing I will never be caught without. It is a reminder of my past…. Who I was and who I now am. It will serve as my constant companion…But even without my story…I feel no self-respecting Mafioso should be without a Watch…Time is money and not having a watch is no excuse for not meeting the Boss for a sit-down or missing hijacking a shipment of silk.... A man with no watch is a man with no control over his own destiny…To rely on a town clock to tell the time is to invite lightening to strike it…. And thus allow a man to blame his misfortunes on fate conspiring against him. Take control of your own…. And if it is a grim legacy of the past like mine…all the better to keep you focused…. The second essential item is a Hat…. Bowler hat, Fedora, Flat Cap…Anything that gives you an air of respectability and might deflect a fatal shot is worthy of consideration…” Mr. Oswald hotly objected to this line of questioning. He loudly screamed “No weapons, I’m calling shenanigans right now!” After being given a minute to calm down, he sedately explained, “Well if weapons aren’t allowed id say a pair of huge bodyguards, always attracts some attention at any event: Nothing like bodyguards to make you look important. If you’re going for a slightly less ostentatious style statement then I would have to say a fantastic tailor is an essential, not an accessory as such but with a perfectly fitted, great quality suit you will look great without the need for any accessories.” At this point all hell broke loose. Vincent-Terranova came running up to the stage cursing at Oswald. ‘Damn you Mr Oswald!!!!! The declaring of shenanigans was mine and mine alone to declare!” He ran through the auditorium yelling SHENANIGANS!!!!!! At whoever would listen. TieDomiII, calmly told the judges that “I'm saving my declarations of shenanigans for after the contest if I would somehow not win! Although I must say all this Briegel nonsense is a pretty hardcore case of shenanigans! Miguel grabbed Tie and spun him around demanding to know who this Bruce Campbell guy was. Miguel said the he just wanted to make Tie sweat without using sexual force, but I think he saw something stylish that he couldn’t deal with. MoneyPenny stood up and stretched and everyone got a clear view of her "I'm open to Bribery" T-Shirt. In the midst of the shenanigans controversy, Mr. Mc-Murphy took the opportunity to neatly arrange large denomination bills on the table in front of her. Simplified-complexity stealthily slipped her a one-dollar bill, while Puck handed her twelve dollars. Finally order was restored and PauloDinardoJr walked to the stage. His demeanour was collected as if he was not phased by the events that just occurred. Mr. Dinardo told us that he has heard that one can tell a lot about a person by their shoes, he thinks cufflinks speaks volumes. “The reason being, they are small, and yet they can be very expensive, you can tell a mans stature by how much he would spend on such a small item. A man wearing silver cufflinks was a mere nobody, somebody who you did not need to worry about. The man wearing Gold cufflinks was more important, but the man who is in the gold and diamond ones, well they are usually extremely rich men or people with a lot of power. That is how I was taught to judge a man and tell where his place was in this thing of ours. As he walked off stage he pulls up his cuffs to reveal to the audience his sparkling gold and diamond cufflinks. Obviously he is a man of power and wealth. Uncle Fester thinks it is the shirt and not the cuff links that matter. “The shirt is the one thing that shows the way a person dresses, there is nothing worse that staring at a crumpled not looked after shirt across a desk. The time and effort should be put into the whole suit, but the shirt is the forgotten part. Covered by the jacket, people hide their shirt rather than wear it proudly, as it should be worn.” Puck closed out the night by telling us that one’s tie let you see who a person really is. “How many ties does the average male have? Somewhere between 15 and 20. That's a helluva lot of ties. Now, surely they'll all be different and as such, will all offer a slightly effect upon your image. Like it or not, we naturally chose their colour, shape, size and pattern based on our moods. As such, by one glance at a man’s tie, you can gather some slight insight to his emotions and feelings. The night ends as the contestant comes back on stage. Mr. Oswald still muttering about shenanigans. The crowd stands up and applauds them. This was a wild and unexpected night. We saw style. We saw controversy. We saw bribery. One can only ask what is in store for tomorrow when everything is on the line. ROUND FIVE One round to go and still no one has the advantage. The title of Mr. Mafia is still up for grabs. Tonight the contestants will all feel the pressure. It is what separates Mafioso from thugs, the men from the boys. Who will shine and who will crash? Ms. Elaine Gardner hosted the show. She looked quite lovely. So lovely in fact that MoneyPenny commented the Elaine was intentionally showing her up. I was finally able to track down Vincenzo-Terranova. He had this to offer. “My family line are a notorious bunch of urchins, no matter how successful the predecessor we always end up back on the street from generation the only thing that helps us go on through the bloodline is the help of the friends each one leaves. I'm not really one for talking to much about myself apart from that, I don’t feel any of my family line have ever achieved enough to brag about, we just all get by with a little help from our friends. He didn’t have much to say about himself but he did have lot to say about the competition. Puck - Suffers from delusions of grandeur. Tie - He's like a stuffed toy that talks when you pull the string, you love him no matter how irrelevant his input is. Albert Neri - Should run for president, he seems to have an inability to speak without being diplomatic. Miguel - He's like a mafia James Bond! Smooth and maybe a little slimy! Aphex - He could do anything he wanted to if he put his mind to it, its just that he doesn't, I mean, he hasn't even turned up for every round of the contest! Randle - He's like a more serious version of Puck. We have met the competitors. We know their background. We know what they think. The only thing we don’t know is which one will walk the aisle later tonight and be crowned Mr. Mafia. The last round started with a bang. It was dubbed the “Anything Goes Round” Ms. Gardner challenged them to reveal a little of their personal side. We were not disappointed. Miguel came to the stage first. It appeared that he was slightly inebriated. Was he celebrating early or did he cave to the pressure? He explained that he had not regrets for the life he had chosen. He slurred though his answer “I've never regretted the um life I've chosen...some people think it's that I associate myself with so many goats and midgets they even say it's not natural but I figure I'm entitled to doing whatever I want...and if that whatever includes farm animals and carneys, then so be it. If anyone should regret anything, it's all of you who judge me for loving my goats...both physically and emotionally.” PauloDinardoJr may not have regrets but it is apparent he has had second thoughts. (This) “is a hard one for me, as recently I have avoided crime, my life has been about setting myself up for the good life, Recently I purchased 10 horses at a cheap price and that along with other business ventures has put me in a good financial position. I am currently deciding on whether to move into the business my father once was involved in, with many of his fellow companions constantly nagging for me to take over the family business. I guess this question can be turned around for me to ask, will I enjoy it...well like every business there are threats and opportunities, this one is an opportunity, I will be moving back into the Life of crime, with a few good friends. It is not something I regret doing, as in this thing of ours, it is near impossible to avoid being involved, if I wanted out I would have moved back to my homeland a long time ago. The only regrets I have about this life is death, there is too much of it. Many of my family and friends have fallen and oh too many times have I had to put on that black tie and attend the funeral, watch the widows grieve, and then go back as if it is life. It is not life, it is people making things harder than they have to be, most things can be solved with a sit down a chat and a nice meal.” TieDomiII was asked that if a boyhood friend ran afoul of the family and broke rules how would he respond. Tie’s answer surprised even me. He said, “I’d be skippin’ town cause I’d probably be right beside the aforementioned friend breaking the rules right along with them!” I was left to ponder: What happened to family first? I found Randall’s response more appropriate. “My friends are important to me, but my family comes first. If my Don orders me to take him for a long walk off a short pier, then that is what will happen. Everyone walks into this life with their eyes wide open, they know what they’re getting into, and they know the consequences of their actions. I wouldn’t be doing it with a smile on my face, you understand, and if he had any last requests that didn’t involve me letting him escape, I’d see to it that they were carried out before I finished the job. Of course his family would be taken care of, that goes without saying. I love my friends, but I pledged my life to my Famiglia, and that is an oath I take very seriously.” Vincenzo-Terranova believes “The most important role in any family must surely be the spokesperson, if you look around all the families I think most of them live in their own hype and this can be the rise or fall of any family. The conceptualists are disliked in certain quarters due to their disregard for any human life which they have no respect for, yet they accept all of these kills and all of this criticism with pride as they are working towards their own ideal. ASDA, despite all the criticism they receive for actions by their own crew or actions perceived to be by them, they always stand fiercely by their own, regardless if its right or wrong, and again, this gives them a great deal of respect or dislike deepening on the quarters its received from. With this in mind, I think it proves that dependant on who talks on behalf of these families, it can have a huge influence on how they are treated and acted upon by others.” Uncle Fester thinks it is the family head. “Togetherness and teamwork is the key: the family cannot function unless they are all working together to get the things that need doing done. However, all the teamwork in the world is nothing without someone to bring the team together. A good leader is essential for the good running of a family, because without that leadership, the family has no direction in life, no aims or ambitions, and every family needs to have a goal to achieve.” When asked his views on what he wants in a woman, Virgil responded “Because of my past, I tend to keep my distance from relationships. Any baggage would be a liability in my trade and I’m not a man prone to taking risks. That’s not to say I don’t wish it could be different. I’ve never been one to be fooled by a sweet smile and a flutter of eyelashes and I’m not impressed by homebodies. What I find attractive in a woman is substance: A certain sharpness of mind and an independent streak. I would look for a woman whom I could look on as an equal, who shares the same sense of humour and has a similar moral outlook on life. Although, I think sometimes I need reminding in the moral department. Someone who I can sit down with over a bottle of wine and talk the night away.” Albert-Neri seemed to lose his composure a bit when he explained “there is no woman in my life. My wife left me many years ago and I agreed to get a divorce as a favour to her Father. He helped me out and was embarrassed by her reasoning for leaving me, so I did this for him. There has not been another woman since then. If there were, I would expect her to be a woman who understood, but was not active in the business. It would be her choice to make, but I have seen the unhappiness that death brings to Marriages steeped in the business…I would not wish this to happen to me and so I would prefer a thinking woman who knew what I did, but was not in any danger of coming to harm herself. I like women who can stand on their own two feet. But by saying I like them, I mean I like them around me…I like to wake up in the morning with her and sit down to Dinner with her and treat her and talk with her…. I like doing anything with her, which would not be helped if she was swimming with the fishes…. I have no need for a Trophy Wife, nor a gun-toting Mob Wife…The former is a product of vanity and the latter is something I feel one party to any marriage involving me could do well enough already.” So girls, if you have your eye on Albert, expect a little baggage with him. Puck ignored Tie’s answer to what makes a good wine. Tie had interjected that “Puck makes a good whine quite often. “Why is Tie so cooooool?” “Why do I suck so badddddd?” Why am I gonna lose this contest to Tie?” I applaud Pucks sportsmanship. He answered quite professionally by saying, “What makes a good wine...I'm not the drinking type, I find it interferes with business, it every so slightly alters your decisions and slows your reactions. That's unacceptable to me. So, in my mind, a good wine is one which is the most profitable, the one I can buy the cheapest and sell at the highest margin of profit. It's known for a fact that Italian Mafioso generally enjoy the odd glass of wine, I'm just an exception, so for that reason alone, I'm always sure to have a small section in the cellar for imported bottles of Chianti. Arguably Italy's most famous red and straight from the heart of Tuscany...they make excellent gifts and marks of respect when attending meals and meetings. A must for any respectable Mafioso. And as Puck left the stage, the judges filed out behind him to go tally the vote and debate on who will be crowned Mr. Mafia. Personally, I feel it is too close to call. The Finale What a wonderful night! Amid the pomp and circumstance, excitement rippled through the amphitheatre as we all awaited for Ms. Carmela DeAngelis to announce the winner of the Mr. Mafia contest. Before I get into the results though, let’s relive some of the finer, funnier moments of the competition. Who can forget Round Five when Albert-Neri caught a glimpse of Ms. Gardner’s plunging neckline, got a hard on and had to turn around and fix his clothing in an attempt to hide it. However much he tried it did not go unnoticed. As one judge told me “The competition was stiff. Literally. With one contestant having a hard time keeping his libido in check. This obvious attempt to earn extra points may have worked, except I wasn’t too impressed with what I saw. But then again, I didn’t have my glasses on. Or in the same round, when Miguel came on stage drunk. How can one forget simplified-complexity flexing his pecks and cracking open a coconut. AphexTwin’s Pwnage demonstration was unforgettable. But that first round belonged to Puck with his ability to master diplomacy. That man has a future in politics. The second round was dominated by Albert-Neri who was voted Most likely to Succeed. One could see the audience on the edges of their seats as he answered question after question. He had them in the palm of his hands as he spoke these words “A death by nature, rather than violence, combined with a legacy of respect, to be known as a man who did right by his people and used the utmost reason in business matters, are the finest goals we can aspire to.” Definitely a motivational speaker. Uncle Fester, one of the oldest men in the competition, outperformed everyone in Sporting Prowess. The way he handled the old ladies was unbelievable. Let him tell it again “Well you have to be prepared and ready for the onslaught of waving sticks and handbags. But the way to pull this off would be to take out the weapons of choice first by surprise and going straight for the walking sticks and legs a low sweeping kick. A low round sweeping kick should put most of them on the floor allowing you to jump over your adversaries and make a run for it while the doddering old people are still looking for there sticks and climbing over each other.” Unbelievable, no wonder this round belonged to him. How can one forget how elegant the men looked on stage. Miguel in his a simple black three button suit with a tie and matching puff,. Wing tip shoes, and pinkie ring. A most handsome figure. Uncle Fester wearing a European suit, silver cape and cane. However Virgil was the cat’s meow dazzling us with a classic black tuxedo with a white shirt and bow tie, accessorized with a signet ring, a good watch on his wrist, a handkerchief in his jacket pocket, a buttonhole carnation and cufflinks. I’d be really surprised if he did not pick up a girl looking that hawt! But let’s not forget that this round was marred by controversy, Allegations of bribery and shenanigans were rampant. Probably the only stain on an otherwise awesome competition. The last round went to Randle-McMurphy who charmed his way into our hearts with words of advice from his daddy. ““Son, it can take 20 years to build a reputation, but it only takes five minutes to destroy it. Think of that every day, and you’ll do things differently.” Definitely words to live by. Although Randle won the round, he had stiff competition from Albert-Neri and Vincenzo-Terranova, who gave us expert advise on good wines. ”I think this simply comes down to alcohol volume. You need a wine strong enough to loosen the tongues of your informants, loosen the grip of gun they have pointed at you with your enemies and of course, strong enough to loosen the morals of the woman in your life. If it does that, then it’s a good wine” When all was said and done, Third place went to Virgil. Who graciously acknowledged to Randle “It couldn't have happened to a nicer fella” then doused him with champagne. Now a piece of interesting trivia. The top two were four points apart, with the top mark being 1077, so it was all right down to the wire. With that in mind, let’s continue. Albert-Neri placed second and stated “"Of course, I am naturally disappointed not have won, but such is life. I feel sporting prowess was possibly my strongest round, yet I was unable to make the top three in this category. Clearly the Judges saw things differently, but this is what Judges are for after all and I have no complaints. In Randle, Mafia has a truly worthy Winner to carry the Torch until the next year. I will look forward to sharing a drink with him and congratulating him personally, he's a good friend, who totally deserves this success for all his hard work and dedication to the ideals of the Community." The grand Prize of One Million Dollars went to the winner and NEW Mr. Mafia, Randle-McMurphy. When I asked Randle what separated him from the rest, he responded “I can't really break it down individually, in the end, everyone seemed to be kicking everyone else’s arse. The last few rounds were brilliant, I never thought I'd see that high quality in this competition. But in the end, all that matters is I beat Tie and Puck, and beat them well. Here is what Tie had to say. “I guessed the top three almost right. All three of them deserved the victory but there can be only one and I'd say the judges did a pretty good job. Having said that though I'd like to do what I do best...talk about myself. Not even showing in at least one round is tough for a person with an ego the size of mine so I'm taking this time to officially retire from future Mr. Mafia competition. My ego isn't strong enough to withstand another blow like this. And Puck “I feel the results sum it up alone. The best man won and due to the shear diversity of people’s performances in each round, it was a damn close contest. Much as I'm a little disappointed not to win overall, I apparently won the first round somehow...when you look at the list of those who entered and competed, that's an achievement on it's own. Overall, I'm happy to have made an impact upon the competition and an impression on the judges and at the same time, I'm pleased that a deserving man won!” I have a few comments from other contestants, who were not in the money. Simplified-complexity told me that “It was an enjoyable experience, an honour to be nominated in the first place. A shame my pre event psychological war fare didn't pay off but hey, the best man won. Congratulations to Randle and all involved and I will see everyone next time, between now and then I will try to learn something about fashion!” Mr. Dinardo said “I enjoyed myself, and it was a learning experience for me, i was pleased to at least gain one 3rd place in a round, but I must congratulate the winner and his runner ups. Maybe next year...” Some in the audience however disagreed with the outcome. Valencia objected “If it was Rigged Tie would have won for Mr. Most attractive-or Mr. Best dressed. I mean come on! We have all seen the Mullet that boy sports!” ThePlague gave his opinion. “MrOswald didn't even place?! BLASPHEMY! One thing we can all agree on though is that while there was only one winner, there were no losers. It was a thoroughly enjoyable week, exciting and memorable. One I will not forget for a long time. 'CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES COMPLETELY ' By: Sirico Buona sera gentlemen, I'm in a particularly vindictive mood this evening. It's just as well; my mood will perfectly fit my subject of crushing one's enemies. I know, you're probably thinking I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and all I need is a few good cups of espresso to get rid of some crankiness, but that is not the case. What I'm about to tell all you lunkheads out there is of vital importance if you aspire to being powerful & successful. -Everyone Has Enemies- First off, as much as you think you're a great guy and that everyone loves you, I'm telling you that you have enemies. Everyone has enemies. Enemies are a reality of business as much as death and taxes. If you could eliminate death and taxes forever, would you do so? Of course you would, so why would you not eliminate your enemies too? La Famiglia has taught me many things, namely: you can get around paying your taxes (just ask my friend Bob at the IRS); you can even occasionally cheat death before the Grim Reaper finally makes you pay the final toll (unless you already live in Jersey, in which case I offer you my sincerest condolences). What you can't do is let your enemies get away from you if you have the chance to ruin them. Enemies, my friends, are much like a fire that hasn't been fully extinguished -- one gust of wind and it will be burning in full force in no time. -You Must Crush Them- When dealing with enemies, your goal should be to totally crush them. That is, make it so that they are no longer a threat to you. Not now, and not in 20 years from now. Thus, you must make sure you inflict enough damage to placate them forever. The point to remember is that you don't want someone creeping up behind you looking for revenge down the road, and they will do so if you don't crush them while you can. The great Machiavelli said it best: "For it must be noted, that men must either be caressed or else annihilated; they will revenge themselves for small injuries, but cannot do so for great ones; the injury therefore that we do to a man must be such that we need not fear his revenge." It doesn't get much clearer than this, boys. Now that you know why you should crush your enemies, you should be wondering how to crush them to make sure that they don't come back to haunt you. Read on and I'll tell you exactly what to do. So pay close attention. -Do Not Negotiate- Negotiation is usually required in any business deal. Sometimes, however, it is not a good option. Suppose someone owes you a lot of money, for example. They have a debt to pay and they are not paying. Each time you try to pin a date down to start receiving payments, they weasel their way out of the situation with verbal adroitness. That is, without you realizing it, they are negotiating more time out of you. They will try to persuade you; so don't fall into the trap. Especially tricky, is if this person is a former friend of yours, the natural tendency is to give him the benefit of the doubt. The result of negotiating with these individuals is that you are giving them power, when they should have none. You are giving them life when you should be taking it away from them. So remember, do not negotiate with deadbeats. You have the power, you call the shots; and if they don't like it, it doesn't matter -- they have no choice. Giving them a choice will only make them disrespect you more while plotting a revenge at your expense. -Ruin Him Financially- Once you have sworn this person off as an enemy, it is important that you show no mercy towards him. As soon as the opportunity presents itself, you must go for the jugular. And once there, don't let go until you've completed the job. Have no mercy; as long as your enemies are around, they can still hurt you. So make sure you put them on the sidelines permanently. The first thing you should do when ruining someone is destroy their finances. It takes money to get things done these days, thus your first move being hurting your enemy financially. Your second move is to ruin his reputation. Losing money is bad, but losing a reputation is worse than death. Following our previous example of someone owing you money, here's what I recommend you do: Sue him for everything he is worth. That's right, you heard me -- take him to court. The first thing you should do is build a legal case against him. If he owes you money and has assets, then go after every penny he's got. Once you've gotten that, go after his other assets. "But he has a wife and kids"... tough luck buddy, next time don't borrow what you can't pay back. If need be, send the guy into bankruptcy. "But what about"... no buts. Ruin him financially. End of story. Great, now he's in the street and uses the same cup to urinate in and to beg for spare change so he can afford some bread to go with his pigeon dinner. "What do I do now?," you ask? -Ruin His Name And Reputation- First off, it's just business, so don't feel sorry for the poor slob, he had it coming. What you do now is attack his reputation. In one of my previous articles I spoke of the importance of building a strong reputation. Well, here's how to destroy one: Let the word leak about what a scumbag he is and what he did. Basically, you want to brand him as a rat. A man without honour is not a man. Do you know anything about him that would cause him big trouble with friends, family, etc.? For example, did he cheat on his wife, and with whom? I'm sure his wife wouldn't stand by his side for very long if she had proof that he wasn't loyal to her. Don't allow your enemy any options. Once you send him down the river, there is no turning back. Carry out your plan until you ruin him. To have ultimate victory, you must be ruthless. Capisce ? Good, it's very important that you understand this little fact. Remember, destroying someone's reputation doesn't take very long. If someone rips you off, he'll probably rip other people off as well. A reputation sticks and news travels fast. Get the word out properly and your enemy won't have any friends left to share his roasted pigeon with. More importantly, he won't have any friends left to help him seek revenge against you. Furthermore, some of his ex-friends will likely move over to your camp and you'll actually gain power in the process. Not a bad deal if you ask me. What happens to our good friend who is now penniless, wifeless and stripped of a good reputation? Not much, you've essentially stripped the man of everything, including any mental strength he thought he had left. If that is not enough for you, I'm sure you can figure out what the next step would be. I wouldn't suggest taking such actions though, unless you really know the Pandora's box you would be opening. Watch your back boys and keep your noses clean. 'A BRIEF LOOK INTO THE LIFE OF… ' By: PauloDinardoJr A week gone by since my last interview, and the man who this interview is about unfortunately died just recently. This man was feared by most, yet still loved by many. Sitting opposite me I had the man who takes all the flack for the conceptualists, and the man whose father once ran riot. It was well seen it wasn’t his time to rise, though I’m sure we have not seen the last of this conceptualist. Yes its MrOswald in the hot chair lets find out a bit about this famous notorious killer. A Brief Look Into The Life Of: The Conceptualists Figure Head -MrOswald Looking the cold hearted killer in his dark eyes I saw no sort of remorse for any of his actions, in fact I saw a man who was pleased with the way his family was progressing, though I wanted to know about his past before I hit the other topics. He started by telling me about his old family, a family I believe has just been brought back to life by the new Made Man Agamemnon – The Czylharz Family, he described the family as “a fantastic but lazy family from the old world”. He went on to tell me about how he came to leave the family, due to the deaths of the two men he worked under Scarpia and Mr Luciano. I asked where he went from there, “I wandered around without sponsor for a long time, I didn’t see a family I felt was worthy of my efforts”, he told me this was until he met a man named GraveDespair. Mr Oswald felt GraveDespair ran a tight ship until passing away at the rank of capo, he then joked it was after that I found I had a knack for killing. Influences meant a lot to this man and he spoke of a few in particular, JimmyM and RTL known for the Mystery Men back in the day as well as Grave Despair already mentioned and a man with a bit of a funny name Billy Bath Tub, Oswald said he was one of the best killers he had ever met and was also his gender political consultant, needless to say I didn’t bother asking. I thought to myself, this man was bound to be a killer every man he looked up to was known for it. I went on to ask him about how he had managed to succeed, he made it short and simple for me, by telling me, “Weak people die it’s a way of life.” He then said something that says a lot about the conceptualists whether you like them or hate them “The early days I had my family backing me up, I knew they would kill anyone in my way, I felt untouchable”. This man measured his success upon killing people getting them out his way, and making a path for himself, can he be blamed for wanting what everyone wants? Well ill leave that up to you to decide. Now to get on to a topic many of you will have a serious interest in, The Conceptualists: he went on to talk about how he can’t reveal a lot about the membership as it was “kinda secretive” as he put it. He told me the group was formed in November 1925 by the founders and since then they have picked up a few more men, he told me what he felt was the secret to his success” The key thing is we all love each other like brothers: I’d lay my life down for any of them and I know they would do the same”. He went on to let me in on a little secret he told me that although in the streets many people claim to hate the Conceptualist he used to turn up to 10 people away everyday, “we only take the best” is how he told me he recruited. I went on to talk about the Community in this thing of ours, and how many are running around saying it is in chaos, some even blaming the Conceptualists for this. He accepted some would see it that way and agreed with the fact that the community is not in a good way just now, calling it a shambles. He went on to say he puts the blame on people wanting to get to number one, rather than work together and better this thing of ours, “People want to help themselves that’s how it is” is how he left that topic. He also joked with me after that saying “if you are one of these Whiners, I will get you In the end, and if I don’t Jonny will” – again I just stayed out of the private joke he was sharing with the 3 men standing at the end of the room. Lockdowns he said he is fine with if you have a valid reason, well I guess we all knew that was coming, New York is Not a Tourist Destination, Remember? He went on to say “the thing annoying about a lockdown is not that you have to avoid the city; it’s the moaning that annoys me.” Goals, what are the goals of a bunch of killers I considered this, is it to wipe out everyone? Is it the same as other families, to succeed and become one of the greats? I had to ask, he looked at me, and said only one thing to this question “All our goals are goals for our family but Omerta prevents me revealing them”. My final question was the one everyone has wanted me to ask, what is with all the killing you and your crew do? His response startled me as I thought in a national newspaper he would deny it but no “lets face it we do like to kill, but put it this way no-one has ever battled us and won”. A statement that I had to say was very convincing, even in this time of War with ASDA they still seem alive and kicking. He went on to list a number of Mades killed by his crew, the most famous including Kiss This, Witchy and Synda. He looked me in the eyes before making his next statement “Basically we are not bad people, the blood thirsty maniacs some people make us out to be! Though, if angered, we will kill you and your family that is certain”. He finished by telling me despite what many think about the Conceptualists, you cannot deny they get what they want done, and it is always been about family for them. I thought about this as I watched the man Walk out into the cold streets of New York City, what I didn’t know was that he had a hit on his head and was later in the week killed, most probably for his part in the death of so many important men within our community. I wondered whether his son would grow to be the fearless man his father was, as I stood at the gravesite, during his funeral and watched as the notoriously known friends of his surrounded his coffin. Was this the End of The Oswalds? I think not. 'CONSTANZIA’S CORNER ' By: Constanzia_Corleone ARE IDLE HANDS LUCIFER’S WORKSHOP? After all the years of hearing mothers and grandmothers remind children and sometimes even adults that if they were idle only bad could come from it. Now if we break this down we can truly determine if the woman in our lives were correct or just trying to get us from underfoot. If one was just to sit and observed, many things could be learned and shared. With this in mind, imagine standing on the street corner or among a crowd on the sidewalk. While standing and listening, information concerning many things could be found. Especially, when others step up on their soap box and preach about this problem or that problem, even different Families. Keeping one’s hands busy, let’s review this more a moment. How many hands have a gun or other weapon in them. Now if those items were used, wouldn’t that be more like Lucifer’s Workshop? Think about that before you begin to tell your young ones the same old clichés taught by our parents and grandparents. 'VIRGIL’S PUZZLE PALACE ' Once again it is time for puzzle corner with everyone’s favourite quizmaster. Last week was a challenge to find as many words of at least four letters out of the phrase: Mister Mafia Comp To which there was a possible word list of just over 1000 to choose from. I won’t go into the specifics. You will just have to trust me on this one. Carmela won’t let me print the list in full as there’s an ink shortage in the resources department at the moment. Anyway. Last weeks winner of the prize money was Aeron who is requested to get in touch with Virgil to confirm he is 18 years old or over. This week for the chance to win the $15,000 is a straight forward race to be the first to supply the answer to the following riddle. “Mike Peters was surprised to see his window slide open and was positively shocked when he saw two strangers climb inside. What transpired next could only be described as a despicable act of thievery. Mike watched with rapt fascination as the two thieves systematically began to remove the priceless Persian carpets, artwork, and jewellery. Having stripped the room, the thieves climbed back out the window. Incredibly, Mike went back to what he had been doing before the thieves arrived and soon he'd forgotten about the entire incident. Why wouldn't Mike, who was in perfect health, have tried to stop the thieves or at the very least call the police after they had left?” Answers on the back of a stamped addressed postcard to: The Mafia Gazette Riddle Virgil Chicago. 'PICASSO’S PROFILING ' Ever wondered what other people thought of your name and how you presented yourself? Mail me for a $FREE profile rating and review and prepare to be lauded or laughed at. Each issues Star Profile wins $50k. Potzy: This sounds like the kind of nickname given to a heavy marijuana user. I’m sure this isn’t the case for you though, drugs are bad, mmkay? I’m more inclined to think that it infers that you are potty i.e. crazy. You are probably quite insane. *Ink stamps your hand ‘Certified’* Name = 6 Picasso Points. Your picture looks like a still shot taken from a video game. Something like dead or alive or something like that *shrugs*. I’m not really a fan of these pictures, they don’t really seem to fit in with the surroundings here. A bit too bright and futuristic. Picture = 5 Picasso Points. ~Potzy scores 5.5 Picasso Points. Gangitano: I think this is a surname rather than a nickname. It’s not the most conventional but I think it has a real ring to it. Still looks and feels Italian but at the same time not like most of the other Italian names around here. Quite refreshing really. Name = 8 Picasso Points. I think this is a great profile picture. It looks very professional. The black silhouette is cast brilliantly against the red background and the image really stands out. The lettering is all excellent and I like the hand of cards too. A very mysterious and unique picture indeed, one I enjoy very much. Picture = 9 Picasso Points. ~Gangitano scores 8.5 Picasso Points. Avenger: This is a name that could easily be related to this thing of ours. Perhaps your character is walking these streets, seeking the killer of his father or family for retribution. It does remind me of The Avengers though, what with their bowler hats and walking canes. Name = 7 Picasso Points. You have improved upon your picture from how it appeared in the past. It is sharper now and with a better use of colour. I like how it is almost all blue, with his red eye providing a contrast as well as an evil glare. He still looks more like a LOTR character than a Mafia man, though. Picture = 7 Picasso Points. ~Avenger scores 7 Picasso Points. AlternativePromise: A fairly unusual name, this. I wonder what alternative promise actually is? Something like this perhaps; Wife: Do you promise not to get too drunk tonight? Husband: No, but I promise not to drink so much that I wet myself. Again. Interesting connotations. Name = 7 Picasso Points. The gun picture is certainly relevant to this thing of ours, and the black and white picture definitely works well. However, I think people think about guns too much around here and they tend to get overused in profiles. Not a bad image, but hardly original. Picture = 7 Picasso Points. ~AlternativePromise scores 7 Picasso Points. Goomba: At first I thought you had just named yourself after a rank. Seemed a bit different from the usual ‘Don’ and ‘Godfather’ stuff. Then of course, I realised that it was the fantastic Super Mario character. Anything Mario related is good in my book. These guys were lovable yet evil. Bit like yourself? Name = 7 Picasso Points. Yes! o/ A great picture of a Goomba proudly wearing his crown. (They are harder to stomp on that way). I love his little moustache although feel sorry for him as he doesn’t have any arms/additional limbs. A good fun picture, especially if you grew up with the game. Picture = 8 Picasso Points. ~Goomba scores 7.5 Picasso Points. That means that this issues Picasso Star Profile is awarded to Gangitano. Congratulations, $50k and bragging rights are yours. 'CLASSIFIEDS ' RECRUITMENT The Gazette is looking to recruit the following: News reporters, Obits writer, Agony Uncle. If you wish to apply for any of these positions, please send in your application to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette offices in Chicago explaining why you would be the best person for the job and including an example of your proposed work. Excellent salary prospects with a maximum wage of up to $50,000 per article depending on content. 02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC) *** $2,000,000 Reward for W/S or info *** A friend of mine, Kev, was shot dead on Friday night. His is a great loss to this community. I will pay $2Mil for info leading me to his killer. All info will be treated with discretion. Contact CostaDelBlowFly if you saw or heard anything. All of my horses have been reduced, some by up to 250k! There's a horse here to meet every budget! No reasonable offer refused! 1 Friendly Fred $1,800,000 2 Insane Drifter $1,800,000 3 Lone Brat $2,500,000 4 Cinnamon Kidnapper $3,200,000 5 Frosty Brat $1,000,000 6 Old School One $2,500,000 7 Colorful Flower $1,000,000 8 Modern Trouble $4,250,000 9 Doubtful Vandal $3,200,000 10 Hungry Escape $1,000,000 11 Twisted Champagne $2,750,000 12 Handicapped Gimp $1,000,000 13 Cinnamon Republican $675,000 14 Famous Flyer $4,500,000 15 Wild Diamond $649,000 16 Simple Mouse $3,200,000 I'm always in the market to buy new horses, please send your lists to me! 02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:58, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to StreetLawyer c/o the Mafia Gazette. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines.